Saturday, May 31, 2008

Sunrays and Saturdays

It is finally warming up here in Satan's pants. We haven't had to turn on the a/c yet, but we're getting there. I thought about turning it on last night just to hear it run (one of my favorite sounds) but I thought Scrooge McHusband might get mad listening to his golden nickels go to waste. So I opened the windows and complained about the humidity in the house just so he could hear me whine. Didn't work. It's not as warm tonight so the open windows are fine.
Yesterday was my husbands 10th anniversary of becoming the luckiest man in the world. Ten years ago yesterday he met me at a pool party. He was in his khaki shorts (I wouldn't be at all surprised if he's sporting the same pair - if they zip they fit right?), I had on hideous blue tennis shoes that had I known I was going to meet my future husband I wouldn't have worn. If I could talk to that young girl right now sitting by the pool I would tell her to marry that cute boy, but be sure to have a pre-nup drawn up that says you will NEVER move out of the South! You are a southern girl and the south is where you belong! Does anyone else hear Dixie in the background? I'm a very lucky girl to have such a good husband and homeboy is damn lucky to have me. Just ask my mom.
Today we did a lot of nothing - which was great. It was a very pretty day. We went to the nursery to find some replacement bushes because several of ours were eaten by rabbits. Next winter I'm going to be all Elmer Fudd on their furry tails before they can eat my plants again. We bought somethings that looked like they wouldn't die instantly and also bought some more beautiful flowers for my pots. We grilled out, cleaned up and now it's time for bed (it is 8 p.m. for "cripes sake"). Super relaxing, lazy day. Hope you had one too.

Monday, May 26, 2008

I'm a rock star - again...

I don't drink very often (uh oh you say). I can go months without a cocktail or a glass of wine. I figure why bother. One glass makes me tired, three makes me drunk and two is a waste of time. Then all of a sudden BAM - I'm a rock star and I must act like one! I must have 27 vodka tonics, several shots of tequila and funnel beer. OK - I'm being dramatic. However, that is how I felt Sunday morning when I got up. Go to bed feeling no pain and wake up feeling like death. Apparently I should either drink more often or stop all together. I'm going to go with be a rock star every so often because seriously I'm a hoot and the people of Satan's pants need to be entertained on occasion with my witty and humorous banter ( I'm not sure if anyone else would agree who saw me this weekend but ask me if I care - I don't).
This weekend was sort of fun. The kids were gone on Saturday and I went to dinner with some girls while my husband went golfing. Now these girls and I have a love hate kind of relationship. I love some and some drive me so FREAKING crazy it makes me want to spit. Mean but true. Since I am a good wife I decide to go out and then meet the guys for drinks. Dinner was OK. The food was good but the convo could have been a little better (aka dullsville). When we met the guys out is when things started picking up. All I'm going to say is that if I had known about the upside down margarita in college I would have been much more cool and popular. Possibly in an AA group right now, but super popular. After that we went to a country bar - Yee Haw! Some how when I drink I then know every word to every country song ever written - Git er done...
As we've already established Sunday started off a little rocky. However, my husband fed me Moe's and I was good to go. We drove up to the cottage, ate more and slept. This morning we got up early to take the boys on a bike ride. I don't have a bike so I borrowed my mother in laws. Let's just say when I do go buy my own it's going to have a bigger seat or I'm not going to make it around the block much less on lengthy rides through the crap land. Again, maybe Midwest tent and awning will have a bicycle seat big enough and with extra cushion for my large and in charge "bum". There is no reason to ride around in the hot sticky sun with a sore bottom.
Hope everyone had a great Memorial Day weekend. Hope you ate good food, soaked up some of the hot sun and relaxed. And if you partied like a rock star - Party on dude...

Wednesday, May 21, 2008

Gym - bore - yuck

I'm so tired of going to the gym! It's evil and must be destroyed. I try and go everyday that I don't work and I hate it. I dislike sweating, I dislike looking like a fool on the treadmill because I can only run for 7 minutes (and I'm sure I start making crazy noises at around the 5 min. mark). Also, no matter what you've been told you don't feel that much better when you leave - you just feel sticky and tired. The only thing OK about it is I have an excuse to look like a schlep in sweats and a baseball cap. I've been trying to diet and get in shape and I figured the best place to do that was at the gym - Whatever. To make matters worse, my husband wants us to run a 5K before the end of 2008. Insane! I can only run for 7 minutes - not a 7 minute mile but 7 minutes of pushing myself at a very slow pace to finish a half mile before I pass out or scream in pain. So stupid..
The only thing worse than the gym right now is clothes shopping. Today I went to the mall to try and find some cute items to wear this summer. Again - DEVIL! I think the mall and the gym get together every so often and come up with ways to torture me. I am only willing to go up to a certain size and if that doesn't work then I say to heck with it. Just so you designers know - if you would make the clothes bigger, but put a smaller number in the back I would pay double! If not it looks like I'm going to have to wear my gym clothes everywhere and that's just embarrassing. I feel confident that even Satan's Pants gets too warm in the summer for velour track suits. Or. maybe I'll have to resort to shopping at Midwest Tent and Awning. I hope they have something in red.

Sunday, May 18, 2008

E.T. Phone Home...

Yesterday was the big race. I'm proud to announce that both boys finished the race and ran the entire way (which is way more than I can say for myself - I decided not to run as to not be embarrassed). Both boys received a ribbon, and a goody bag. Now, let's talk about this goody bag. First, it's from the devil! Aside from the coupons, pencils and stickers, they gave each child a Halloween size bag of gum. You heard me - gum. Who gives a three year old a giant bag of gum?! Since yesterday I have picked gum out of the carpet in the car (you know, because when it looses it's flavor just throw it on the ground - any ground apparently), jerked wrappers out of the dogs mouth, and the end all be all - had the oldest CUT gum out of the little one's hair. Luckily this didn't turn out as bad as it sounds, but for a minute and a half I had a panic attack and a screaming fit in the front yard. I'm not sure why the oldest thought that cutting and then telling me was a better option of just letting mom figure it out in the beginning. Stupid, stupid, stupid. No. more. gum. EVER!
Last night the boys wanted to watch a movie. Luckily smart, smart, mommy had the insight to record E.T Friday night so we could have family movie night. Best. Movie. Ever. It's amazing how far technology has come, and how retro the movie looks, but how much everyone can still enjoy a movie about a leathery brown alien (I always wanted one of the leather E.T. dolls - never got one - still bitter). The boys loved it and it was so much better than having to watch Star Wars AGAIN. The boys have all six of those movies memorized and if I have to hear about Sith Lords another second I might punish them by making them all watch The Princess Diaries or Strawberry Shortcake.
Hope everyone has a great rest of their weekend! Peace out!

Thursday, May 15, 2008

Plants and Satan's Pants

In the south you know when you're going to be tormented with dreaded allergies. The entire freaking city turns a beautiful hue of baby poop yellow. Here in Satan's pants, nothing turns yellow - nothing really turns green for that matter - you just wake up one morning feeling like crap and stay that way until everything blooms or in my yard dies. I'm hoping to feel better by the 4th of July. I've had enough! Have I mentioned lately that I don't like it here?

To make matters worse I just spent 3 hours at the Botanical Gardens for a benefit (to benefit the Botanical Garden duh) and got to enjoy all the pollen there. Great idea huh? It was actually quite enjoyable and relaxing. When you're a part of Satan Pants high society you have to be involved in stuff like that (kidding). Never mind that I was the youngest person there by several decades and I couldn't grow any of the exotic plants they were auctioning off to save my soul. I just enjoyed the food and wine and now I'm enjoying burning eyes and headache (unfortunately, the headache is not from the wine - devil).

It's suppose to rain this weekend - kick ass! Another weekend of gross weather! The boys are running a .00005 K this weekend. It's a half mile around 5 city blocks. It thought it would be good for them. I will not be joining them. I don't want to embarrass myself when I can't finish. Plus it's a kids race - there's no reason for 3 year olds to make me look any more fat, out of shape and stupid than I already do. So good luck boys! Pick me up at the bloody mary tent when you're finished.

I also wanted to apologize for my last post. It was brought to my attention that I may have been a bit harsh. Never mind that Bratness McSlut will never read my blog, but if she does I offer my apology. However, as a disclaimer if I haven't seen or spoken to you in 10 years because you're a hooker please do not put me on a mass email telling me about your recent baby, engagement, wedding etc. It's rude and tacky. Ok? Ok.

Tuesday, May 13, 2008

Sisterhood of the traveling brats...

Back in college (yeah, college) I was in a sorority. I was the girl who didn't take it seriously, didn't want to be on council, rarely paid her dues and pretty much was there for the parties and the cute t-shirts. There were others who took it WAY to serious and are probably still sporting their pins (you can make them into a ring you know - GAG). Anyway, most of my "sisters" are now married and are starting to have families. The other day I received an email from a "sister" reporting that another had just had a baby girl. Here's how it went: Bratness McSlut delivered a precious baby girl today named Bratness Jr. She weighed 8lbs 4 oz blah blah blah. Welcome to the family. Seriously THE FAMILY! I haven't seen Bratness McSlut since my wedding when I decided she was trash and I couldn't believe I wasted the money for her and her now husband to eat and drink. They didn't even bring a gift. Anyway, not 3 minutes after that email I received another one that said: "Welcome Bratness JR. you are now a legacy". Again SERIOUSLY! It's been ten years people. No one cares anymore. I couldn't tell you what our letters meant, what we stood for or what our rituals were. I could tell you the colors, mascot - who I will go on record and say is so freaking ugly and should really be changed- flower (filler flowers), and the part where I partied like a rock star, was voted wittiest, and that I got in trouble on way more than one occassion. I keep in touch with oh, 10 sisters max. and could really care less about the rest. Mean maybe but reality. I do wish Bratness McSlut all the best with her new daughter - really I do. However, if she turns out like her mom then the sorority might want to step away from the legacy.
PS No it has not escaped me that I'm being mean. I never said my name wasn't bratness mc -something. However, you can bet your butt it's never been McSlut...

Sunday, May 11, 2008

Happy Mothers Day!

Happy Mothers Day! I hope all of the mom's that read this blog are having a wonderful mothers day. You deserve it! We had a nice day. My boys woke me up bright and early to scream Happy Mothers Day and give me their gift. The oldest painted a garden rock at school and the youngest is pretty sure he helped. We'll go with that. After church we went to brunch with my in-laws and their friend Father T. He's a preist that joins us for holidays and other events. He's an absolute riot! Today he brought me flowers for mothers day and had a bloody mary with gin for breakfast. Right on Padre!
Last night my husband and I had date night. We try and do this every so often. We went for a cocktail at a crazy bar (read: biker bar) that sits on the water not too far from our house. Then we went to dinner and then to a graduation party at another local bar (do you see a pattern - that's what happens when it's cold most of the year - you find places to sit and drink). The graduation party was for an employee of my husbands that's graduating from the local Catholic College. Can you say WASTED! The three graduating girls and their friends we're trashed. One of the girls had on a Hooters tank -top with skin tight jeans that said "tastefully tacky" on the back. I'm not sure that was quite right - Tacky yes, tasteful no. I would call her a tramp - but that's just me. Anyway, come to find out she's a theology major. ARE YOU KIDDING ME! Did she learn nothing in college?!? She was so super gross. We drove back by the bar where the party was held this afternoon after brunch and I'm pretty sure I saw her crawling out from under the table where she probably passed out. I'm sure her parent are proud of her behavior as well as her choice in attire. Such class...
I hope you all like the new header and music. I was completely bored at work the other day so I made the header. Then Hanks papa wanted music added so we added music. We're here to please! It's an eclectic arrangement so it should be enjoyable for everyone. But come on, doesn't everyone dig Dan Fogelburg? He rocks!

Thursday, May 8, 2008


Have you ever been SO BORED at work that you need tooth picks to keep your eyes open? Well, today is so bad that I'm sure I've disturbed some people as I've snored here at my desk. Luckily I answer phones so I haven't been able to doze off into a deep enough sleep that I'm drooling on my keyboard. I've checked my emails, looked at celebrity gossip, stalked all of ya'll's (I don't think that's how you would write that but let's go with it) blogs, and now resorted to boring you with my banter. Here's a few things I thought I would share:
1. There has been some discussion abouth the orange patent leather shoes. Like what color they really were because orange patent leather shoes could be cute, and can't I just be nice. First, no they really can't be cute and two they were blaze orange. I think she was leaving the Parent Teacher Obnoxious meeting and heading to the woods to shoot at deer or turkeys. Third, anyone who wears orange patent leather shoes does not deserve to have me be nice to them. They've brought it on themselves.
2. I found an awesome hot pink pen today! Are you not super excited? I've never had a hot pink pen before. I'm totally going to steal it from the office. They pay me chicken scratch here so I think I deserve to take home the hot pink pen. As I think about it, I think I may take the purple one as well. Take that Boss Man!
3. Just a disclaimer to the little missy who insists on posting blogs about her muffin top and then sending pictures of itty bitty bikini's that she's going to wear this summer. Shut it! You are a doll! An adorable skinny mini who apparently needs to be slapped. Do you really want to get into a discussion about your belly with me? Let's talk when you can no longer wear the tiny two piece and have to resort to a one piece with a lycra panel to suck you in because you physically can't anymore. Or, you buy what covers your large and in charge pear shaped body and search for the perfect sarong. Just go eat a cookie...
4. Did I mention my hot pink pen!
xoxo - southern girl...

Tuesday, May 6, 2008

Orange Patent Leather Shoes...

We are heading into our busy season here in Satan's Pants. Things seem to pick up in the summer rather than slow down - possibly because we only have 3 months of decent weather so we have to cram everything in now. It's just started and I'm already exhausted and annoyed and here's why:
PTO - stands for parent teacher obnoxious. The oldest is going to a brand new, never used school next year. I thought I would go to the first official PTO meeting and see what big exciting things they had planned. NOTHING! They have nothing planned. They only have a geeky set of women who think they're special running a useless meeting and second-ing motions. NO ONE CARES! I wanted to find out how I could help. Now I'm thinking of sending the boys away to military school to avoid listening to the dribble coming out of the mouths of ladies with bad hair and orange shoes (yes my friends she was wearing orange patent leather shoes- need I say more).
CLOTHES - It's still not warm enough to send the kids to school in shorts. However, cords and sweaters are a bit much. So, pants with short sleeve shirts is fine - when you're a boy. If you're a hip mom of two you want to look good. If you're a semi-cool mom of two with a unusually large hips and a gut it's almost impossible to look good. Today I had a little time to myself so I went shopping. Found nothing. I can't wear the cute little short skirts all the younger girls are wearing. I despise shorts and think the government should ban them for women over a certain age and certainly those of us over a certain weight. I'm tired of capri's and a dress is just not practical for everyday wear. So, if you don't mind I will wear my pajamas. They're comfortable and they fit. Get over it.
SCHEDULE: I just realized that I've totally gone over board with the activities this summer for the kids. The oldest has soccer twice a week until the middle of July, summer school every morning for 6 weeks (super fun classes but still), swim lessons, and vacation bible school. Yes, I know the kids are going to be exhausted. What about me though? Do you realize how much effort it takes to drag kids to all these different activities? I'm getting tired just thinking about it. I think they need to buck up and walk, or call a taxi, or find my broom and fly on over.
I will stop for now. However, I'm still just so annoyed by the orange patent leather shoes and the size of my butt. My hair dresser is leaving and moving far far away (lucky brat), I need to go to the dentist and get my eyes checked, the oldest went to "yellow light" today and school and the youngest thought it was appropriate to spank his mother when I wouldn't give him a chocolate chip cookie right before bed. So, I will continue to dress my kids in winter clothes, starve myself so I can find something to wear, and try and be nice to the lady with orange shoes... Never going to happen.

Thursday, May 1, 2008

The hits just keep on comin...

...and this afternoon the toilet overflowed. I had to get out the wet dry vac to clean it up before it went through to the basement (that would have ruined everyone's day). And my dinner was still frozen after thawing most of the day. This day HAS to get better!
However, I'm happy to report I received an apology from you know who. All is well for the weekend :) For now anyway. There's always tomorrow morning...

Mommy Dearest..

Today is Thurday and I am not at work. I actually don't have to go back to work until next Thursday. Exciting right? So, I thought that today would be an awesome day. Uh, WRONG! Everything that could have gone wrong has and it's not even noon. I still have half a day left. Gross...

Here's how it's gone so far - Last night I didn't feel well. My husband has had a cold for over a week and I want no part of it. So, I took some Nyquil (the get you drunk so you can sleep medicine) and off I went to bed. When I woke up I didn't feel horrible, but I didn't feel awesome so I snoozed for a bit. I snoozed a little too long but got up, found the oldest some clothes, woke him up, got his back pack together, made him breakfast - all in the first 10 minutes of being awake. The oldest took his sweet time getting dressed etc. and missed the bus. I was SO mad. I had been fussing at him to hurry it up but he didn't have his listening ears on apparently. So, I yelled at him. I did what any normal mom of two who hasn't had her morning caffine would do (OK, some of you are super moms but whatever). So my husband, who hasn't left for work yet for whatever reason, says "well, he's only six". It's hilarious how we use this excuse like it's a good one - it's OK he missed the bus and dilly dallied around all morning he's only six. It's OK he threw the Wii at his brother - he's only six. WHATEVER!!!! So, I told him that he needs to get up in the morning and find clothes and get the kids ready for the day and out the door. And then he says (are you ready girls) "Then I would have to do everything"!!!! Oh no you did NOT just say that! He has until this evening to take that back or his weekend will not be pleasant. Don't even think I'm kidding - I'm not.

After this insanity I finally had my caffine, breakfast and daily dose of "news" (today it was GMA. Charlie was on instead of crazy Diane and Robin was rockin with her short post cancer hair-do. You go girl). After that the youngest spilled orange juice on the new rug after I told him to leave the cup on the island (luckily for him I had already had my caffine so he didn't get the wrath of mommy dearest- NO WIRE HANGERS!) and I broke a plate that I hadn't used, but loved and had just received for my birthday - it was the cutest pineapple. Super. crappy. morning.

I had every intention of getting up, cleaning the house, going to the gym, going shopping for Mothers Day goodies, and then coming home and being Betty Homemaker and making a healthy and delicious dinner for my family. Now I'm grumpy, didn't make it to the gym, the house is half done (it was ridiculous), and mad at my husband- so I don't care if he eats cold ramen noodles or goes hungry tonight. So stupid...