Sunday, August 31, 2008

Things that make you go hmmmm.

Today we took the kids in the 90 degree heat to Satan's Pants little amusement park. This amusement park is another positive attribute to Satan's Pants. It's fun for kids and is dirt cheap. Each ticket is a quarter and no ride is more than two tickets. So, you can go with a family of four and five dollars and have a really great day. Also, if you don't use all your tickets they don't expire. So, we can save them until next summer (assuming I remember where I put them) and use them again. Great idea..
Since I am pregnant I couldn't ride the rides. So, while the kids and their dad stood in lines and rode the rides I people watched. Now I know it takes all kinds to make the world go round, but I do have a couple of things to say -
1. The amusement park is for kids. It's actually for small kids and their families. Once you're in high school you should probably stop coming unless you have small siblings. However, if you do decide to come there is really no need to wear halter tops and lucite heels. No one needs to wear hooker heels - period. I know you're probably hoping to pick up guys while you're riding the scrambler but come on! Next time leave the heels at home or pass up the park and head to the strip club down town. I think it's amature night.
2. I am proud of those who are choosing to quit the nasty habit of smoking. Applause to you. However, I am totally grossed out when you wear a tank top and your patch. Barf... Next time wear a shirt with sleeves. There is nothing more repulsive than a grown man in a tank top, jean shorts and a nasty patch on his arm. No one wants to see that.
3. If you must color your hair you need to choose a real color - blonde, brown, even a natural red. Maroon is not a natural hair color. Also, mother/daughter maroon hair is tacky. Along the same lines if you must get a perm DO NOT BRUSH IS OUT TO MAKE IT FRIZZY! There is absolutely no reason to look like a human fur ball.
4. If you are 10 or younger and weigh maybe 65 lbs. I can tell your big boobs aren't real. Do not stuff your bra. There is no reason for it. Little girls are suppose to be flat chested. Enjoy it while you can. One day they'll be bigger and may hang down to your waist.
There were more but I don't want to seem like a snob. I'm not trying to pick on these people but I just can't help myself. I'm really just trying to help. I know I'm not necessarily a "do" picture of perfection either. However, you won't find me in lucite heels or a brushed out perm. Just think before you go out in public. If not, you could face the ridicule of someone like me - best of luck to you then.

Friday, August 29, 2008

Beep Beep, Beep Beep, Yeah...

One of my avid readers, who shall remain nameless, asked me to please try and find something positive to blog about. She is tired of the negativity that is Peaches and Cheese. She believes there has to be something positive going on in Satan's Pants (whatever). So, I've been on hiatus trying to find something positive. However, I'm drawing a blank. Go figure.
One thing "positive" I can say about Satan's Pants is there is no traffic. I can leave my house at 7:44 and still make it to work by 8 a.m. That I do enjoy. The only time there is a back up is if there is an accident or if the roads are frozen over (so stupid). I've become accustomed to not having to stop for traffic and making it home by 5:15. I will also add that I am NOT a fast driver. I drive just over the speed limit to avoid an accident or a ticket. Also, 9 times out of 10 I am driving around with precious cargo so I don't want to go to fast. There is no place in Satan's Pants that I need to get to super fast so I don't drive super fast. However, that does not mean that I enjoy putting down the interstate at 50 mph! Yesterday, as I got on the interstate and accelerated to go (since I have no air in the van right now I do not enjoy sitting in the car) I got behind "crafty1" with a bee-hive hairdo. She would not speed up! It was totally ridiculous. I yelled, I honked and I yelled some more and she continued to putt down the street talking on the phone to one of her bridge playing friends or her mall walking buddies. MOVE MEEMAW! I did not have the time or patience for such garbage. I am pregnant and mean and even a little old lady with terrible hair can tick me off. So move on with your bad self...
On a happy and positive note (here you go nameless one) today is my son's 7th Birthday! I can't believe it! SEVEN!!!! Where has the time gone? It seems like yesterday I was pregnant with him and somehow I've found time to move 1000 miles away and add a couple more kids to the brood. He is super smart, super precious and super fun. So, HAPPY BIRTHDAY OBI WAN!!!

Friday, August 22, 2008

Can I get a goop goop...

My husband was out of town again last night. (I figure he really is working or he has a new girl friend on the other side of the state. Either way he wasn't home). This morning as I was getting ready I saw that my hair goop was missing. I could not figure out where it was. The only explanation I could come up with was that either the paranormals had gotten to it or TC had taken it with him. I had to go with the paranormals.
I was wrong - it was my husband. My husband has had the same exact white boy hair cut since the minute I met him. The only difference is that it's now more gray so it's gotten a bit shorter. I can't imagine that it's more than 3/4 of an inch on top right now. Why in the world does he need my hair goop? I'm so perplexed. He asked last week if he could use some. I said sure for kicks and giggles. All it did was make his hair look greasy. Not the best look. I'm not sure what's more curious - the fact that he stole my hair goop or that he thinks the greasy look is a good look for him. Here's a tip - it's not! And, if you don't leave my stuff alone I will totally "lend" your smelly cologne to the garbage can.
I'm not mad at him - not exactly. I'm annoyed that he's not home as much right now, that he doesn't have a backbone when it comes to his family (there I said it - happy now) and steals my hair goop. I think he must be having a midlife crisis at 36. I know he gets stressed out being the primary bread winner with a wife and 2.5 kids. However, no man needs to take their high and tight hair and try and make it look "cool". It just looks foolish. Yes I told him this (do you not know me at all?) but I think he enjoys being ridiculous from time to time. However, if he goes and gets a barb wire tattoo he's totally crossed the line.

Tuesday, August 19, 2008

Vim, vigor and a bad attitude...

Last week I was talking with a guy who works in my office. Nice guy - kind of quiet but I'm slowly getting him out of his shell. When there's a southern white girl at the front desk saying "tru dat" it's hard not to smile. So, we're talking about college - yeah college - and he asked me the essentials: who, what, when, where, why. When I told him I was in school for like 12 years because beer on Butch night with my sorority sisters was way more fun than class he was a little taken back. He could not believe that I was a sorority girl! What! Now I know that I have a bad attitude toward all things regulated. I don't like to be told what to do - wear this, pay this, sing this... However, I have several really great friends that came out of being in a sorority that I wouldn't change it for the world. I learned a lot from them and they learned never to tell me to wear clothes that don't match because this "sister" doesn't do that...
After I told the nice guy that I was in a sorority I reminded him that as an elite member of this community I'm also in Satan's Pants answer to the Junior League. Again - total disbelief. On this note I might have to agree with him. I've done this for 3 year and starting my 4th year next month. I have met a few really nice ladies that I hope to keep as friends as long as I'm stuck here, but I'm not sure it's really the right fit for me. Again, I don't enjoy being told what to do: be here, pay for this, work this (for free). It's amazing that there are some women who thrive on this. There are fussy snotty women who get their panties in a wad because I don't have all the time in the world to dedicate to the in's and out's of the league. I'm sorry - I have 2.5 children, a part time job, other volunteer positions AND lots and lots of TV to watch this fall (90210 2.0 starts 9.02 - can you handle it). I'm so tired of the crap. Give me a song to sing and a social to go to and I'm your girl. Work 20 plus hours for free - suck an egg.
I know I have a bad attitude. I enjoy putting myself out there to meet new people and do new things. Some things work and some things don't. I've made a commitment and I intend to stick to it. However, since I'm already at my whits end for this year (the year ends in June) you might want to stay out of my way. There are other things in life - so get a grip, a new hair cut and lose the attitude with me. In case you don't know it already when it comes to attitudes - mine is always worse...

Friday, August 15, 2008

Birthdays and the Olympics...

I love the Olympics. I think that it's an awesome tradition to have young people more or less strut their stuff for the world to see. I think that everyone who makes it to the Olympics is so super talented. It's amazing that these kids put in so much time and effort to win a medal. Not cash - but a medal. That's love of sport. However, I have a few issues. When I was in middle school, high school and college I was a twirler (feature twirler if I want to toot my own horn - toot toot). You know, batons, fire, knives etc. I was pretty good if I do say so myself. I went to local competitions and to nationals (everyone was invited so don't get to excited - however, I won 2nd in my division for my solo routine - holla). Twirling takes a lot of talent, grace and practice yet it's not an Olympic sport. Not a problem really - if the Olympics doesn't recognize it as totally awesome then fine. I can live with that. However, why in the world would badminton, trampoline and rhythmic gymnastics be allowed? TRAMPOLINE! Seriously. I don't think I've every met anyone who's parents are homeschooling their children so they can become professional trampoline jumpers. Also, how do you keep a straight face when you tell people that you or your child is a trampoline jumper? I'd be almost embarrassed. However, since my oldest isn't the most athletic of children, maybe trampoline or badminton is the answer. If they have fighting with light sabers as an Olympic sport then we may have found his niche.
Tomorrow we're having a birthday party for said less athletic child. He's turning 7 at the end of the month, but since that's Labor Day weekend we're having the party early. We're having the party at a Bowling Alley and originally we were going to have 10 children maximum. However, me being me I felt bad for leaving 4 boys that were in his kindergarten class out so I invited all the boys. My son was fine with inviting whom ever, but really didn't care. They weren't his favorite friends, but he didn't hate them so I assumed it would be OK. None of the 4 boys/boys mothers felt the need to RSVP which drives me crazy! How do I give a final head count if you won't bother to RSVP! So, today I had to call them to confirm. Most were apologetic - I got busy, we've been out of town etc. HOWEVER, one was so rude. She said "I asked (short little bratty child) if he wanted to go and he said no". Who says that!?! I found that so hurtful. As a good southern girl I said thanks for the information but what I wanted to say was "that's OK, because my son really didn't want to invite your bratty son but I made him. I guess this works out for both of us". Again, SATAN'S PANTS is full of rude people. Apparently no one ever told them that if they don't have anything nice to say to not say anything at all. So stupid...

Thursday, August 14, 2008

Just saying...

Nothing interesting is happening in my life right now. I'm pregnant, I'm fat and I'm cranky. Other than that, it's just another day in the wonderful world of Satan's Pants. I've had a very busy couple of weeks and I'm looking forward to a couple weeks of nothing before the boys go back to school. It's time for me to catch up on my naps.
There is one thing I want to mention - has anyone noticed Katie Cruise's (you know Tom's wife) tight rolled jeans? Seriously - someone please call her and tell her that's ridiculous. That is a trend that NEVER needs to be repeated. Also, she could use a little lipstick. Just saying...

Friday, August 8, 2008

Things that go bump in the night.

My husband was out of town last night - again (whatever). Last weekend when he was gone I was fine. I slept great - in bed early and up late just the way I like it. Last night however was quite different. After dinner the boys and I went outside to see if any of the neighbors were out and say hello (see I'm a fairly nice person). My next door neighbor was out - and freaked out. She was also home alone and thought that there was a critter in her basement. Instead of going downstairs to look, she was going to go to the back yard to look through the windows. I thought she was a bit whacked out, but who am I to judge. Luckily there was nothing in her basement.
After playing for a bit we came in so I could eat my dinner and watch some trash on TV. Since it is summer there isn't a lot on right now. Luckily I'll watch almost anything so I became totally enthralled with a show on Discovery called Diagnosis Unknown. I tuned in half way through an episode where the wife poisoned the husband with some type of seed that gives a person ricin poisoning. Pretty scary stuff. The second episode was about another wife poising her husband by putting something in his sweet tea. Since I knew where this episode was heading I went to bed.
After turning off the lights and attempting to go to sleep I thought I heard something in my room. I turned on the light and it was my dog. Tried to go back to sleep. Several minutes later the dog growled in the dark. Turned on the light again - apparently he was growling at his pillow. Then I woke up again because I thought I heard something in the den. When I sat up I thought I saw the door swinging back and forth very slowly. Now, I also watch Paranormal state and I did not want to have to call Ryan and the team to come and investigate so I quickly turned on the light and realized it was the stupid dog again thinking now would be a good time to try and lay on the couch (which is totally against the rules and he knew he was busted). I tried once again to go to sleep and thought that there was a strange light coming from outside. Turns out it was the neighbors. Since it was barely past 10 they still had their porch lights on. I then said to heck with it. If the poltergeist needs to get me then so be it.
Needless to say today I am sleepy. I'm looking forward to going home, eating dinner (the jury's still out on if we'll go to Moe's or not), and watching re-runs of Ghost Whisperer (told you - trash TV). Then I'm going to go to bed with garlic under my pillow and holy water beside the bed so I'm sure to be safe.

Monday, August 4, 2008


I am totally being punished for something mean that I've done in the past. Maybe it's because I dislike most people - you know the ones that won't get out of the way, the slow minded people in the check out line, the rude people that think they own the freaking world. Or maybe it's because I talk hateful about living in Satan's Pants and regardless of how much I hate it apparently the other 200,000 or so people seem to like it. Regardless, if I have to feel barfy and exhausted one more day the next slow poke in front of me at the grocery store (you know the one's that apparently have NEVER been to a grocery store before) will have to listen to my high pitched, whiny screech of a voice (this is according to my equally sweet sister - I believe I have a great voice with an awesome hint of southern hospitality).
I am a generally good person. I do charity work, I volunteer all the time, I'm nice to my family and even to my husbands family. I feed and clothe my children and even fix meals from time to time. Today at the grocery store an older lady asked me to drive her rascal back into the store for her. SERIOUSLY! Luckily I couldn't figure out how to drive it. I would have been mortified for anyone I remotely know to see me drive into the store. I nicely told her I couldn't start it and I would go into the store and send someone out to get it. She said "thanks dear"... Also, even though I'm pregnant I don't take the "Reserved for Expected Mothers" spot yet. I've left them for the lucky brats that only have a couple more weeks to go.
I realize that I have a bit of an attitude problem and I'm pretty quick to let everyone know what I think, but do I really need to be punished with being barfy 4-EVA? I don't think so. If anyone has a suggestion to end nausea I will gladly take it and try it. I'm 15 weeks - I should be nesting not laid up on the couch in my blue terry cloth bathrobe.
By the way, I totally saw someone the other day in one of the hideous shirts that had the arrow pointing to her huge belly that said something witty like daddy's boy or something equally as poetic. So stupid (yes, damnit I realize this may be why I have no friends and feel like crap. Get out of my grill will ya).